Monday, January 16, 2017

Phone Hell

Thank you for calling Phone Hell.  

If you are calling from a touch tone soul, please press 666 to reach our Hot Line.  If not, please stay on the line and one of your personal demons can plague you.

Your soul is important to us--- and our customer service department intends to see that you get burned.

Please listen carefully as some of our menu options have changed.

For venal sins press 1

For mortal sins, press 2

For sins of commission, press 3

For sins of omission, don’t press anything.  Hang up and try again.

To leave a message for a Lost Soul, please enter their extension number, followed by the star key.

To leave a message in Limbo, press any three numbers, followed by the pound key.

For directions, press the pound key.

For hours, press the pound key.

To reach a deal with The Devil You Do Know, you may dial his extension at any time.

To deal with The Lesser of Two Evils, press 665.

For Devil’s Advocate, press 123, ---or, for the sake of argument, --456.

If you are calling to give The Devil his due and would like to use a credit card, please press 77, followed by your expiration date.

If you feel you have been possessed in error, please hang up and dial 1-800-XORCIST before you projectile vomit and your head starts swiveling.

We estimate your time in Phone Hell Purgatory to be “BEEP!” 873 years “BEEP!” 7 months, “BEEP!” and 17 minutes.  

If you would like to continue to holding, please press 1—or hang up and try again.

Or visit our website at  www.  for contradictory and outdated information.

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